i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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