Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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