Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
