Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
