Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
