He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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