no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
