I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
