Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
