I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
