did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
