My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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