you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
