I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
