I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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