Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
