god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
