I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
