Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
