dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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