Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
