i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
