Sry I called you an 8
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
