Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
