I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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