I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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