no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
