Someone shit on the floor
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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