people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
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How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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