Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
