Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We were destined to go to rehab together
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i think i just lost a toe
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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