How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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