I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
