it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
