i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We left the knife in your bed.
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And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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