i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
