No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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