This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
