1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I have tasted many bathrooms
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
