You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
