Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
