I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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