My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
