I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
