i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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