I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
