I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
