I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
