i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
