I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
