This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
