I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
this will be a night to untag.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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