maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
what day is it and did you see me today?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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