Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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