Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
