we have pet lesbian snakes
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
