I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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