foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
