i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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