I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
