Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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